THE SECRET WORLD OF MSNBC

I have a strange fascination with MSNBC. I often leave it playing in the background while I go about my other business. The inane talking heads of the network have become comforting to me. Another friend of mine shares my affliction and we have discussed the secret world of MSNBC that exists only in our minds. A whole world of facts arrived at only through careful studies of the unspoken words and physical tics. What neither of us could have guessed is that many of our assumptions were entirely true and other facts were beyond even our wild imaginings. I give you the secret world of MSNBC:

-As an old Nixon man and an old Carter man respectively, Pat Buchanon and Chris Matthews swore themselves to a Beltway blood oath upon first meeting. While the two sides agree on virtually nothing, they do agree (and blood oath) on the importance of cage matches to the death following any encounter with a representative of the other side. In a rare moment of Nixon/Carter cordiality, they have agreed to postpone the fight until their retirement funds mature for the benefit of the families. Neither have a life insurance policy as the cage match will be telecast on Pay-Per-View and proceeds will benefit the losers funeral. 

-Tom Brokaw is an expert wolf hunter due to the fact that his voice often attracts them unintentionally. 

-Deep in the bowels of NBC New York is a small walk-in closet just off of a generally anonymous boiler room. As you walk into this room you will notice nothing unusual except perhaps a musky cologne odor. Turning on the light of this room reveals that every inch of wall space is plastered with lipstick and tear stained photos of Bill O'Reily. This room is the New York apartment of Keith Olbermann. 

-Rumor holds that Rachel Maddow lives with a woman. A sister perhaps???

-The death of his former political aide, Lori Klausutis brought some suspicion upon MSNBC host Joe Scarborough. These allegations were completely unfounded as he was in not even in the state at the same time. However, his lust for a high profile morning slot did drive him to arrange the downfall of Don Imus. Despite the success of the plan, Scarborough did eventually murder Imus all the same. 

-David Gregory is a very boring man. 

-It is well known that MSNBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell is the wife of former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. What is less well known is that they are America's most prominent Lich couple. Greenspan is a full Lich and took Mitchell on as a pupil in 1997. Her quest to become an immortal, half-mad conduit for necromancy has put her journalism career on ice and the rotting flesh associated with Lich development has kept her from taking over Meet The Press.


-Tucker Carlson's much noted Bow Tie was not in fact a fashion accessory, but a sentient and magical being. During a routine fox hunt, Carlson found the tie beast and in exchange for sparing his life, it agreed to grant him power and one wish. Carlson, of course, wished for unprecedented GOP control of government. What Carlson didn't realize was that this was the monkey claw kind of wish. He awoke one morning to find the tie gone, his show canceled, and Abu Ghraib in his morning paper. Carlson spends most days fox hunting now.