ARTHROPODS IN THE NEWS

I have been alarmed in the past few days by a growing collusion between arachnids and insects that will no doubt culminate in some manner of Arthropod union to overthrow the human oppressors. One Arthropod news story can be safely ignored as typical bug shenanigans, but two is an alarming coincidence. Even two could merely be viewed with suspicion if not for the crucial fact that one occurred IN OUTER SPACE.

 It all began a few days ago when I was conducting my usual news inquires into threats extra-terrestrial. As a staunch proponent of the Oa system of governance, I take this as a sacred duty. These inquiries led to the discovery of missing items aboard the International Space Station. The first was a simple box of one hundred thousand dollar tools. There was nothing alarming about this as they were merely dropped by an astronaut into the vast emptiness of space. It is possible that this figures into the larger arthropod plot, but I feel all signs point simply to a mild case of space fever. 

 Of greater concern was the second lost item: TWO SPIDERS. The astronauts of the station lost track of these menacing arthropods following the remarkable discovery that in a zero-g environment, Spiders weave ORBS OF WEB. I will take it for granted that you know what this implies and then tell you anyway. Simply put, we have provided the spiders with the means to finally break their two-dimensional web weaving limitations. No longer will webs span a single plane. Along with this breakthrough in web weaving, we have also provided them with free access to COSMIC RAYS. This is a perfect storm of spider advancement, and they will likely return to earth as irradiated giants intent on imprisoning us within American Gladiator style orbs made of powerful spider silk. 

 Now perhaps you're consoling yourself with the thought that these spiders remain isolated in the cold blackness of space and cannot operate space station navigational controls with their foaming mandibles. Unfortunately, your happy fantasy is dispelled by a second news item. Recent studies have shown roaches to be capable of making complex plans in the manner of an army unit. Obviously this is a response to orders transmitted via the cosmic spiders who sit upon their grey throne of webs inside the international space station. We all know that roaches are only good as grunts and have to be getting their orders from somewhere. Having mastered the communications array, it is only a matter of time before these leaders of the arthropod plot arrange a transport pod to Earth. 

 I am tired of these extra-terrestrial threats being ignored by the executive branch. I am calling on President-Elect Obama to follow the lead of the shadow government and appoint a czar of cosmic affairs. I would of course accept the position gladly; but I feel that Ronald D. Moore, Stan Lee, and George Takei are all exceptionally qualified as well. Takei in particular would set a positive precedent as the first gay Space Czar. As events rapidly spin out of control in the coming weeks and more and more of our citizens are locked in web-orbs, the American people will want to know that someone is in charge of the situation. Now is not the time for pretty speeches. We cannot hope our way out of the spider invasion. Now is the time for decisive action.