A basket of my creation.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
O' SUNSET KING
Recent reports show that George W. Bush is pleased with the outcome of his Middle Eastern adventures. Although widely criticized for his wanton plundering of fair Mesopotamia, this is not time he has taken to lament the losses of the past. As many rulers have, he has decided to construct a sort of leadership fantasy to occupy his mind as he departs the White House. Bush has decided, in the twilight years of his rule, to focus instead on his legacy, and the tales that will adorn the halls of his presidential library. For, as all close followers of U.S. Politics know-- that is where he will be mummified and buried so that he may rule America in the afterlife.
After a long and mighty rule-- some argue he was the most powerful Pharaoh we've ever had-- he will take his place in his towering tomb alongside a smaller chamber for his wife, the lovely Laura of Evangelicals, and a tinier one yet for court companion Barney.
And yet, as all conquering heroes, the end of a mighty rule marks the beginning of the glorious journey that is death. Soon following the end of his rule, Bush will find himself sitting anxiously within his tomb. Death can be a long and draining process where one might become lost, so the frescas adorning the walls of his pyramid will remind him of his identity and his purpose. He has surrounded himself with a lifetime more a heroic fantasy than reality, a propserous nation, loving subjects, and a mighty Babylonian King bowing to his feet as he is put to death. A safe nation, a nation of plenty, a good land. As Bush sits in his tomb alone, enjoying the treasures and sweetmeats left for him by the then living shadow of his eternal being, he regains the power of speech and movement. His adeptly preserved body provides him a vessel while his masterful tomb provides only reflection over a rule marked by both loyalty and fear. He spends eons sitting placidly in the chanting chamber, pondering the complex mobius strips of circular logic as the beautiful fantasy hymn of Reaganomics resonates from the freshly opened mouth of his Ka (or "life force" for Beltway outsiders) and off the acoustic walls.
(In this scene, Bush's brain is weighed against a feather. We see Bush standing next to Ra as Reagan awaits his arrival on the right side of the image. The devourer stands ever ready.)
This peaceful meditation is broken as he travels across the sea of fire to be tested by Thoth before the eyes of the Lord Reagan, who is often portrayed as shale green figure in the garnments of a Pharaoh, holding a hook and flail to represent the divine executive authority that can only be wielded by an actor. Bush's brain is then weighed against a delicate feather, to test his zealous adherence to Evangelical Christianity. Thankfully, he passes the test, with the feather coming in at a whopping 2-3 times the mass and content of Bush's mind. Thoth gives the thumbs up and the frightening Devourer (a sort of amalgamated combination of alligator, hippopotamus, lion, and welfare mother) skulks away in despair. Like any good neoconservative figure head, he is innocent for the plausable deniability of his undeniable uselessness as a leader.
It is with this and his many trials that our passing God-King Bush will pass through the many tribulations of the dead only to find himself standing yet as King, for now and eternity, ruling over his loyal slaves of the Religious Right. He shall stand triumphant looking over them, as they till the endless and fruitful Oil Fields of Yalu, their devotion to his rule rewarded by a narrow, but appropriate trickling down of wealth from Bush's eternal treasures to the pockets of the many.
After a long and mighty rule-- some argue he was the most powerful Pharaoh we've ever had-- he will take his place in his towering tomb alongside a smaller chamber for his wife, the lovely Laura of Evangelicals, and a tinier one yet for court companion Barney.
And yet, as all conquering heroes, the end of a mighty rule marks the beginning of the glorious journey that is death. Soon following the end of his rule, Bush will find himself sitting anxiously within his tomb. Death can be a long and draining process where one might become lost, so the frescas adorning the walls of his pyramid will remind him of his identity and his purpose. He has surrounded himself with a lifetime more a heroic fantasy than reality, a propserous nation, loving subjects, and a mighty Babylonian King bowing to his feet as he is put to death. A safe nation, a nation of plenty, a good land. As Bush sits in his tomb alone, enjoying the treasures and sweetmeats left for him by the then living shadow of his eternal being, he regains the power of speech and movement. His adeptly preserved body provides him a vessel while his masterful tomb provides only reflection over a rule marked by both loyalty and fear. He spends eons sitting placidly in the chanting chamber, pondering the complex mobius strips of circular logic as the beautiful fantasy hymn of Reaganomics resonates from the freshly opened mouth of his Ka (or "life force" for Beltway outsiders) and off the acoustic walls.
(In this scene, Bush's brain is weighed against a feather. We see Bush standing next to Ra as Reagan awaits his arrival on the right side of the image. The devourer stands ever ready.)This peaceful meditation is broken as he travels across the sea of fire to be tested by Thoth before the eyes of the Lord Reagan, who is often portrayed as shale green figure in the garnments of a Pharaoh, holding a hook and flail to represent the divine executive authority that can only be wielded by an actor. Bush's brain is then weighed against a delicate feather, to test his zealous adherence to Evangelical Christianity. Thankfully, he passes the test, with the feather coming in at a whopping 2-3 times the mass and content of Bush's mind. Thoth gives the thumbs up and the frightening Devourer (a sort of amalgamated combination of alligator, hippopotamus, lion, and welfare mother) skulks away in despair. Like any good neoconservative figure head, he is innocent for the plausable deniability of his undeniable uselessness as a leader.
It is with this and his many trials that our passing God-King Bush will pass through the many tribulations of the dead only to find himself standing yet as King, for now and eternity, ruling over his loyal slaves of the Religious Right. He shall stand triumphant looking over them, as they till the endless and fruitful Oil Fields of Yalu, their devotion to his rule rewarded by a narrow, but appropriate trickling down of wealth from Bush's eternal treasures to the pockets of the many.
IDOLS OF MINE IN THE NEWS
Moments ago I watched Elvis Costello fight a bear and then sing a duet with Stephen Colbert (in a bear suit). It's true what they say about us living in a golden age of television.
CONTRIBUTOR ALERT
Dangerous Amusement's is proud to announce the addition of contributor ALEX NEWMAN. He is a fine up and coming blogist and big things are expected from him.
THE SECRET WORLD OF MSNBC
I have a strange fascination with MSNBC. I often leave it playing in the background while I go about my other business. The inane talking heads of the network have become comforting to me. Another friend of mine shares my affliction and we have discussed the secret world of MSNBC that exists only in our minds. A whole world of facts arrived at only through careful studies of the unspoken words and physical tics. What neither of us could have guessed is that many of our assumptions were entirely true and other facts were beyond even our wild imaginings. I give you the secret world of MSNBC:
-As an old Nixon man and an old Carter man respectively, Pat Buchanon and Chris Matthews swore themselves to a Beltway blood oath upon first meeting. While the two sides agree on virtually nothing, they do agree (and blood oath) on the importance of cage matches to the death following any encounter with a representative of the other side. In a rare moment of Nixon/Carter cordiality, they have agreed to postpone the fight until their retirement funds mature for the benefit of the families. Neither have a life insurance policy as the cage match will be telecast on Pay-Per-View and proceeds will benefit the losers funeral.
-Tom Brokaw is an expert wolf hunter due to the fact that his voice often attracts them unintentionally.
-Deep in the bowels of NBC New York is a small walk-in closet just off of a generally anonymous boiler room. As you walk into this room you will notice nothing unusual except perhaps a musky cologne odor. Turning on the light of this room reveals that every inch of wall space is plastered with lipstick and tear stained photos of Bill O'Reily. This room is the New York apartment of Keith Olbermann.
-Rumor holds that Rachel Maddow lives with a woman. A sister perhaps???
-The death of his former political aide, Lori Klausutis brought some suspicion upon MSNBC host Joe Scarborough. These allegations were completely unfounded as he was in not even in the state at the same time. However, his lust for a high profile morning slot did drive him to arrange the downfall of Don Imus. Despite the success of the plan, Scarborough did eventually murder Imus all the same.
-David Gregory is a very boring man.
-It is well known that MSNBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell is the wife of former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. What is less well known is that they are America's most prominent Lich couple. Greenspan is a full Lich and took Mitchell on as a pupil in 1997. Her quest to become an immortal, half-mad conduit for necromancy has put her journalism career on ice and the rotting flesh associated with Lich development has kept her from taking over Meet The Press.
-Tucker Carlson's much noted Bow Tie was not in fact a fashion accessory, but a sentient and magical being. During a routine fox hunt, Carlson found the tie beast and in exchange for sparing his life, it agreed to grant him power and one wish. Carlson, of course, wished for unprecedented GOP control of government. What Carlson didn't realize was that this was the monkey claw kind of wish. He awoke one morning to find the tie gone, his show canceled, and Abu Ghraib in his morning paper. Carlson spends most days fox hunting now.
Monday, November 24, 2008
ARTHROPODS IN THE NEWS
I have been alarmed in the past few days by a growing collusion between arachnids and insects that will no doubt culminate in some manner of Arthropod union to overthrow the human oppressors. One Arthropod news story can be safely ignored as typical bug shenanigans, but two is an alarming coincidence. Even two could merely be viewed with suspicion if not for the crucial fact that one occurred IN OUTER SPACE.
It all began a few days ago when I was conducting my usual news inquires into threats extra-terrestrial. As a staunch proponent of the Oa system of governance, I take this as a sacred duty. These inquiries led to the discovery of missing items aboard the International Space Station. The first was a simple box of one hundred thousand dollar tools. There was nothing alarming about this as they were merely dropped by an astronaut into the vast emptiness of space. It is possible that this figures into the larger arthropod plot, but I feel all signs point simply to a mild case of space fever.
Of greater concern was the second lost item: TWO SPIDERS. The astronauts of the station lost track of these menacing arthropods following the remarkable discovery that in a zero-g environment, Spiders weave ORBS OF WEB. I will take it for granted that you know what this implies and then tell you anyway. Simply put, we have provided the spiders with the means to finally break their two-dimensional web weaving limitations. No longer will webs span a single plane. Along with this breakthrough in web weaving, we have also provided them with free access to COSMIC RAYS. This is a perfect storm of spider advancement, and they will likely return to earth as irradiated giants intent on imprisoning us within American Gladiator style orbs made of powerful spider silk.
Now perhaps you're consoling yourself with the thought that these spiders remain isolated in the cold blackness of space and cannot operate space station navigational controls with their foaming mandibles. Unfortunately, your happy fantasy is dispelled by a second news item. Recent studies have shown roaches to be capable of making complex plans in the manner of an army unit. Obviously this is a response to orders transmitted via the cosmic spiders who sit upon their grey throne of webs inside the international space station. We all know that roaches are only good as grunts and have to be getting their orders from somewhere. Having mastered the communications array, it is only a matter of time before these leaders of the arthropod plot arrange a transport pod to Earth.
I am tired of these extra-terrestrial threats being ignored by the executive branch. I am calling on President-Elect Obama to follow the lead of the shadow government and appoint a czar of cosmic affairs. I would of course accept the position gladly; but I feel that Ronald D. Moore, Stan Lee, and George Takei are all exceptionally qualified as well. Takei in particular would set a positive precedent as the first gay Space Czar. As events rapidly spin out of control in the coming weeks and more and more of our citizens are locked in web-orbs, the American people will want to know that someone is in charge of the situation. Now is not the time for pretty speeches. We cannot hope our way out of the spider invasion. Now is the time for decisive action.
It all began a few days ago when I was conducting my usual news inquires into threats extra-terrestrial. As a staunch proponent of the Oa system of governance, I take this as a sacred duty. These inquiries led to the discovery of missing items aboard the International Space Station. The first was a simple box of one hundred thousand dollar tools. There was nothing alarming about this as they were merely dropped by an astronaut into the vast emptiness of space. It is possible that this figures into the larger arthropod plot, but I feel all signs point simply to a mild case of space fever.
Of greater concern was the second lost item: TWO SPIDERS. The astronauts of the station lost track of these menacing arthropods following the remarkable discovery that in a zero-g environment, Spiders weave ORBS OF WEB. I will take it for granted that you know what this implies and then tell you anyway. Simply put, we have provided the spiders with the means to finally break their two-dimensional web weaving limitations. No longer will webs span a single plane. Along with this breakthrough in web weaving, we have also provided them with free access to COSMIC RAYS. This is a perfect storm of spider advancement, and they will likely return to earth as irradiated giants intent on imprisoning us within American Gladiator style orbs made of powerful spider silk.
Now perhaps you're consoling yourself with the thought that these spiders remain isolated in the cold blackness of space and cannot operate space station navigational controls with their foaming mandibles. Unfortunately, your happy fantasy is dispelled by a second news item. Recent studies have shown roaches to be capable of making complex plans in the manner of an army unit. Obviously this is a response to orders transmitted via the cosmic spiders who sit upon their grey throne of webs inside the international space station. We all know that roaches are only good as grunts and have to be getting their orders from somewhere. Having mastered the communications array, it is only a matter of time before these leaders of the arthropod plot arrange a transport pod to Earth.
I am tired of these extra-terrestrial threats being ignored by the executive branch. I am calling on President-Elect Obama to follow the lead of the shadow government and appoint a czar of cosmic affairs. I would of course accept the position gladly; but I feel that Ronald D. Moore, Stan Lee, and George Takei are all exceptionally qualified as well. Takei in particular would set a positive precedent as the first gay Space Czar. As events rapidly spin out of control in the coming weeks and more and more of our citizens are locked in web-orbs, the American people will want to know that someone is in charge of the situation. Now is not the time for pretty speeches. We cannot hope our way out of the spider invasion. Now is the time for decisive action.
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